Mom Question:

My son always says “but mom….” whenever we are trying to do things together.

“but mom, I wanted to cut it”,

“but mom, I don’t want that there”,

“but mom, I wanted to do it”.

This is whining. One of the most commonly complained about behaviours. As parents, it is often hard to know what to do about it so that we don’t inadvertently reinforce the unwanted behaviour.

Preschoolers are at the height of whining as they are caught between the need for independence and the need for continued parent help and attention. Children generally whine:

• when they want something like a cookie, a toy or something you have.
• when they need something like a hug.
• when they need or want your attention.
• when they know they will get the response they want.

Whining comes in many forms like the “but mom…” above, other forms of whining come with high pitches and/or nasally, dragged out words.

• “Daaaaad” or “Pleeeaaaase”,
• “I don’t wanna do that”,
• “Can we please go now?”,
• “Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom…”

Take a look at what is really happening for your child. Are they hungry, hurt, angry, sad, frustrated, over stimulated, lonely, tired or bored? As with your new babies look at the basic need first, sometimes by catching and addressing those first, the behaviour will change. This age group has little concept of time so try to attend to the requests quickly without jumping to the child’s attention every time. Children will learn to use behaviour if they learn that it works for them. Sometimes, they don’t care if it is negative or positive attention so notice how you have been responding to see what they are getting out of it.

Consequences change behaviours only if they’re used every time the behaviour occurs. Be unemotional when administering consequences; don’t get mad or irritated, don’t lecture or display anger. Notice when they are doing good, praise them when they use the right tone of voice and ask in the right way. Breaking a habit takes time so always be encouraging.

Some tips to try:

• Learn what brings on the whining and try to keep ahead of it. If your child is extra whiney at 4pm perhaps they are hungry so always have a snack at 4pm.
• Find phrases to use consistently in this situation, “when you talk in your big voice, then I will be here to listen to you”.
• Help kids find the words they may need to express themselves, “it sounds like your feeling sad”. It is frustrating when you can’t cut a straight line”. “Sometimes I feel mad when someone takes my toys away too”.
• Deal with behaviours immediately. Stop in the store and wait until the desired words are spoken.

Remember, the same things don’t work every time and many approaches have their limits. If the strategy you have chosen doesn’t work, you will try another. Keep in mind it can take up to a month for behaviour to change and it usually gets worse before it gets better. We have to constantly change and try to keep two steps ahead because when you think you know how it goes your kids will change.